Website: Sactown Royalty
Most fans of the Sacramento Kings don’t know what the hell to think. I’m no exception.
The gloomy Gus in me thinks the team’s 2007 path will be blazed somewhat in this fashion. My Pollyanna side dreams of this outcome.
Likely results must fall somewhere in the middle. Those results will be formed as the many questions which surround this collective are answered.
Those 93 questions follow. Your premature assessment of the 2006-07 Sacramento Kings depends on your assumptions as to the answers.
1. Will Mike Bibby’s wrist heal quickly and totally?
2. If not, will Mike Bibby be forced to commission the invention and manufacture of a specialized X-Box controller which can be used by those who have injured their right thumb, in order to play Halo with Team Dime during his off-time on the injured list?
3. Will Mike Bibby make the All-Star team?
4. If so, will friends-of-Mike-Bibby Eddie House and Stephen Jackson be arrested before, during, or after the All-Star game in Las Vegas?
5. Will Eddie House and Stephen Jackson be arrested in front of The Palms, MGM Grand, or Paris?
6. Will Eric Musselman miss games due to enforced jail time or The Mighty Hammer of David Stern following his recent drunken driving arrest?
7. If so, will Scott Brooks literally mess himself on the sidelines while trying to coach Ron Artest, Mike Bibby et al., or will it be T.R. Dunn who is the one who literally messes himself on the sidelines?
8. Will Ron Artest murder an NBA spectator, or any person, this season?
9. Will Ron Artest win his second Defensive Player of the Year award this season?
10. If he does not win his second Defensive Player of the Year award this season, will Ron Artest just say mean things about Ben Wallace or Bruce Bowen, or will he actually do means things to Ben Wallace, Bruce Bowen, and/or their families?
11. Will Kevin Martin break on through to the other side? (Breaking on through in this instance means 16 points, 6 rebounds, 49 percent shooting, 40 percent from three.)
12. Will Kevin Martin, sad due to his reigned-in fade, grow outlandish facial hair resembling that of Scott Spiezio?
13. Will Kevin Martin prove to be one of the brightest young stars in the league?
14. If so, will Kevin Martin find every person who screamed about keeping Bonzi Wells in the offseason and personally bite his thumb at them? Or will he instead strike them across the cheek with a cloth glove?
15. Will Kevin Martin win the Most Improved Player Award?
16. Will Kevin Martin win the Most Improved Hair Award? (This is a no-brainer.)
17. Will Ron Artest get a tatoo on the right side of his face that resembles the facial makeup of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2: Judgment Day?
18. If so, will it hurt?
19. Will Ron Artest refer to himself as “The Black Michael Jordan” in an interview this season?
20. Will Ron Artest eat a child this season?
21. Will Ron Artest eat one of his own children this season?
22. If so, which one will it be?
23. Will Brad Miller get a new headband for Christmas? (He lost his old one in Japan with the US national team. Mike Kryzewski might have stolen it and thrown it away.)
24. Will Brad Miller get a haircut before March?
25. If so, will Brad Miller’s haircut be a good one, or will it look just like the typical Supercuts haircuts he has gotten in recent years?
26. Will Brad Miller donate his shorn hair to “Locks of Love,” so some poor young cancer patient is forced to smile when someone hands him a Brad Miller toupee including actual hair from Brad Miller’s head?
27. Will ARCO Arena’s sellout streak continue through the entire season?
28. Will ARCO Arena fall down during the season?
29. Will ARCO Arena be set on fire after the Kings win the championship?
30. Will Iceman come to Sacramento’s aid and snuff out the burgeoning flames after the arena is set on fire after the Kings win the championship, or will Aquaman instead lead a bucket brigade to save the day?
31. Will Quincy Douby be busted for marijuana possession this season?
32. If so, will it be the most hilarious NBA headline of the season? Or will the most hilarious NBA headline of the season involve Eddie House, convincing transsexual hookers, gunrfire, and eventually jail?
33. Will Quincy Douby win the Rookie of the Year award?
34. Will Quincy Douby be invited to participate in the Rookie-Sophomore Challenge?
35. If not, will Quincy Douby challenge Francisco Garcia to a game of crap in a corner of the visitors lockerroom at Staples Center?
36. If so, who will win?
37. Will the world (meaning Free Darko) realize during this season that Quincy Douby is of Haitian descent and Francisco Garcia is Dominican and thus discuss the implications of such?
38. If so, will it be an important development in the global consciousness of Caribbean basketball?
39. Will Vitaly Potapenko play in one game for the Sacramento Kings this season?
40. If so, will he die of shock or will he die of heat stroke caused by exhaustion?
41. Will Kings fans drape themselves in Ukrainian flags and mourn if Vitaly Potapenko dies on the court due to shock or heat stroke caused by exhaustion?
42. Will Grant Napear say something absurd during a Kings telecast this season?
43. Will Ron Artest say something absurd in an interview following a Kings game this season?
44. Will Ron Artest’s spoken absurdity be infinitely more entertaining than Grant Napear’s spoken absurdity, or will Ron Artest’s spoken absurdity be finitely but greatly more entertaining than Grant Napear’s spoken absurdity?
45. Will the Capital City rejoice?
46. If so, will it result from a championship or from some other less spectacular accomplishment, such as a home game in which Eric Musselman does not get arrested for drunken driving afterwards or a playoff series in which Ron Artest does not get suspended for a game for elbowing a whiny Argentine in the head?
47. Will Ron Artest elbow a whiny Argentine in the head this season?
48. If so, will it be Andres Nocioni, Manu Ginobili, or Fabricio Oberto?
49. Will the Kings make a trade during the season?
50. If so, will it be a major trade involving actual talented players, or will it be restricted to salary cap considerations and minor, insignificant talent?
51. Will Kenny Thomas be traded this season?
52. If so, will the Kings get anything of value besides cap relief in return?
53. Will Corliss Williamson be traded this season?
54. Will Vitaly Potapenko be traded this season?
55. If so, will Kings fans drape themselves in Ukrainian flags and mourn?
56. Will a long-time Sacramento star, with Mike Bibby and Brad Miller as the only two candidates remaining, be shipped out during this season?
57. If so, will the masses cry or will they cheer?
58. Will notable Dallas-Fort Worth product Ronnie Price show up to practice wearing a grill, or will he show up to a game wearing a grill?
59. If so, will Eric Musselman laugh before slaughtering Price with an axe, or will Eric Musselman laugh after slaughtering Price with an axe?
60. Will Sacramento voters approve Measures Q & R on November 7?
61. If so, will Hell immediately freeze over, or will Hell gradually cool down over time until finally reaching a temperature of zero degrees Celsius by New Year’s?
62. If Measures Q & R do not pass on November 7, will the Maloofs announce their intent to move the Kings to another city within a set timetable, or will the Maloofs announce their intent to move the Kings to another city at some undetermined point in the future?
63. If the Maloofs set a timetable for the moving of the Kings to another city, will ARCO Arena be set on fire?
64. If so, will Iceman come to Sacramento’s aid and snuff out the burgeoning flames, or will Aquaman instead lead a bucket brigade to save the day?
65. Will the Kings ever play a home game in the Yukon Territory?
66. If so, will the headline in the Yukon Bee read, “Kings Ice Cold in Loss”, or will it read, “Snow Job By Refs Means Loss for Kings”?
67. (Did I use the proper syntax for commas, question marks, and quotation marks in the previous sentence, or did I completely botch it, thus showing the value of a state college education?)
68. Will the Royal Court Dancers defeat Miami’s team of skankoid hoebags in NBA.com’s annual Dance Team tournament?
69. Will Ron Artest change his jersey number to “69″ in order to promote his club hit “Working the Pole,” off his new album “My World?”
70. (Did I get the punctuation syntax right that time, or by opening myself up to criticism by not immediately knowing the correct syntax for using punctuation marks, have I lost all respect from you, causing you to navigate away from this sad heap of html?)
71. (If not, did something else cause you to navigate away from his sad heap of html, such as an important e-mail from a Nigerian prince or special offer for pills that will give your groin area attributes similar to that of a fire engine, or are you still in fact perusing this sad heap of html despite concerns for the continued viability of the bad jokes therein?)
72. Will Shareef Abdur-Rahim take over the starting power forward spot from Kenny Thomas?
73. If so, will it happen early enough in the season to make a difference, or will it happen only after it is realized that the Kings suck and Kenny Thomas brings nothing to the table?
74. Will Brad Miller rebound from a disappointing season and play at a near All-Star level again, or will continue to edge towards impotence and an eventual career shift into the wild boar farming industry?
75. Will Brad Miller corral more than eight rebounds a game this season, and will his rebound rate recover and again rise above 10.0, the acceptable level for starting NBA centers?
76. Will Mike Bibby again score 20 points per game this season?
77. Will NBA pundits realize that while Mike Bibby’s field goal percentage has fallen over the past few years his efficiency has in fact increased due to the fact that he has taken more three-pointers of late, therefore increasing his effectiveness on offense?
78. How many minutes per game will Mike Bibby play this season?
79. Will Mike Bibby finish the season averaging more than eight assists per game?
80. Will John Salmons make Geoff Petrie look like a fool and Billy King a genius?
81. If so, will Hell immediately freeze over, or will Hell gradually cool down over time until finally reaching a temperature of zero degrees Celsius by New Year’s?
82. Will John Salmons prove to be a worthwile assest off the bench, or will he look extremely overpaid due to muted production and poor efficiency?
83. Will the Kings bench be poor, awful, godawful, or historically godawful?
84. Who will prove to be the key cog off the bench, for better or worse?
85. Will Maurice Taylor justify so much as $5 of his $900,000 salary this season?
86. Will the Kings continue their dominance of the Clippers this season, taking the strike to 17 straight wins?
87. How many games out of 11 will the Kings win against teams from Texas?
88. Will the Kings finish with a better record than the Golden State Warriors?
89. Will the Kings finish ahead of either Los Angeles team, both Los Angeles teams, or neither Los Angeles team?
90. Will the Kings win the Pacific Division?
91. Will the Kings have one of the 10 top offenses in the NBA?
92. Will the Kings have one of the 10 top defenses in the NBA?
93. Will the Kings make the playoffs?
Yes, it is true: If you knew the answers to the above questions, you would know whether or not the Kings would make the playoffs. That is a fact.
I do not know the answers, though I have my guesses.
Prediction: 50 wins